🎈(#7) The Art of NOPE

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Message from the author:

This topic probably won’t be for everyone…

Or maybe it will hit home for more people than I think.

I believe there is a lot of decent people in this world. If you are one of them, you have probably struggled with this at times.

Hope there is something you can take away from this one.

When you say no to someone… you can be filled with guilt.

It’s because you feel bad for the other person, right?

You’re worried about how they are feeling.

It’s ok, because you are a good person. You care… and good people care about others.

The thing is… how often are you sacrificing what you want?

If it’s more often than not, you maybe sacrificing your time or your own priorities.

If you're ok with this…no need to keep reading.

If some of these questions are hitting home for you. Let us continue so we can unpack it.

A balancing act

As we know, too much of anything in life can have side effects.

The same goes if we say “yes” or “no” too often.

• Saying “yes” a lot. We have already touched on this… but being mindful of how often you are saying “yes” is the aim. Remember, always saying “yes” to something or someone else, means you are potentially saying “no” to yourself and something that matters to you.

• Saying “no” a lot. Whilst this topic is about finding that art of saying no… you can definitely say it too much. This may cause you to miss opportunities as you may be saying “no” out of fear. It may also cause tension within your relationships because you are always thinking about yourself. Your cup is full, but you also don’t find time to flow over to others.

As you can see - the art of saying nope is finding the balance between both.

At some point in time, the word no has become a negative thing.

Is it due to our childhood and how we grew up hearing the word?

Or is it the world around us influencing the feeling of guilt when saying no?

Probably all of the above and more.

Our goal today is to find ways to accept it and learn ways to move forward with finding balance.

Let’s finesse the sh*t out of this word!

I still say yes.

Upon reflection, saying yes has definitely got me to this point in my life. If it wasn’t for the “yes” moments in time, I definitely wouldn't be where I am today.

I have said yes to opportunities for career, yes to helping others and yes to projects.

This has built a life that I am proud of when looking back.

On the flip side, If I reflect on the past, I can see that I have made sacrifices to be here. It’s normal though, right? Almost expected.

Should it be that way? This is the question to ask ourselves.

Or is there a way to find balance and know when to utilize the power of either word to our advantage?

As I have matured (polite way to say I’m getting older - like fine wine *eye roll emoji* haha), I have seen the power in saying “no” to certain things and also saying “no” in the right moments.

Understanding what I want, my values and my goals, helps me to build a boundary. It is invisible to the naked eye - but it is there. I can feel it and so can others.

This boundary allows me the opportunity to control and choose what I let in.

Does it sound selfish?

At surface level maybe.

Remember that story in Issue #4 about my god mother and me thinking that she was the most giving person I had met?

She then went on to tell me how selfish she was and then gave me a life lesson on filling your cup first.

She knew her boundaries and protected it.

In doing so, she was able to give more than anyone I know.

This is something I am still working on, even to this day. But my understanding of this rule is super clear.

The four scenarios (The Art of NOPE)

Most times you will find yourself in one of these four scenarios.

Use these to identify and become aware. By doing so, you can start to protect what matters to you and build a boundary.

1. You say “yes” and have no plans.

   This one is fairly straightforward. These are the moments you just want to help a mate, family member or do something for others because you can.

2. You say “yes” and sacrifice.

   This is where you are sacrificing and breaching your boundaries. This is that moment when we say “yes” when we really wanted to say “no”. Now I am not saying don’t do it… just be mindful of how often this occurs and what you are sacrificing each time. The next two, are your tools to support you if this continues to happen.

3. Win-Win.

   The ideal scenario. This is where you can hold strong on your boundary and protect what matters to you. It also provides an opportunity to give back to someone. An example of this … a friend has asked if you could pick them up at 8am and take them to an appointment, you know that you have plans until 8am and that won’t work. Instead of saying “yes” and sacrificing your plans - you could say “I would love to, but I have plans until 8am, if you want, I can pick you up at 9am - let me know if that works?” It’s simple, respectful and most importantly honest - now the decision sits with them. Be aware that the individual may still get annoyed, but that is on them. If they are a friend or family, they should understand.

4. Hard NOPE!

   For most, this is the hardest of them all. Something that I have actually had to practice over the years. The only way I could say a HARD NOPE respectfully, is when I know that both option one and three were not going to work. This only leaves option two, which I try to avoid as much as possible. If I feel that it impacts everything on my end, I lean into the conversation of saying “no”. Just like anything, with practice you build it into your way of doing things. Since adopting this into my lifestyle - I protect my energy, fill my cup and now I actually go in search for ways to help others (insert MAKER for example).

This is THE ART of NOPE.

It's not clean cut and can be difficult. Once it is put into practice, I am a big believer that things will start to change in your life.

Just a side note before finishing up… if it is a “maybe” or “I don’t know” … then it is a “no”. If you wanted to help or do that thing - it would be an easy “yes”.

Another newsletter completed and hopefully you are another step closer to unlocking the best version of yourself.

One thing to ponder on or put into action this week…

In each moment where you are required to say “yes” or “no” - reflect on the above four scenarios, understand your boundary and make a call that is right for you in that moment.

Until next week fam.

JC